Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Barbarella's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
5:57 pm	Here I am Its been so long that the settings here on LJ have changed... weird. I got my wisdom removed (teeth, that is) on Thursday so i'm a little swollen. Its odd, ive just read my last entry and it was from the day after i met JT. Who woulda thought. Were in MA now just visiting for the holidays. Hes laying on the couch with food poisoning, fuck Dunkin Donuts.. poor kid didnt see it coming. Theres only one i know of on the west coast, and its in Salem, OR. SO how do i begin updating? I met J and the rest is still happening. I tried desperately not to get involved. I sincerely fought it, but he won over in the long run and were together now. I'm so happy for that. I was adamant about being single and rolling solo. But Stevie came to visit me in Seattle and loved him and i fell into the same. It was an eventful two weeks. Folklife and the beginnings of my life with J. Trippin on mushrooms east of the cascades... I quit my job in June and got rid of my apartment in July. It was a difficult step to take for how hard i worked to have it in the first place. Not to mention that it was my security. It was what kept me in Seattle. J and i travelled the Northwest all summer. We went to Idaho for the national fiddle championships. Then to Mount Angel, Oregon to visit friends, then to Darrington, WA for another blugrass festival. We met a guy in Weizer, IDaho and he invited us to Yakima (eastern WA), we went and rode horses, J recorded and i thought i would die from a kidney infection. 4th of July JT played in Vancouver in front of 25,000 people. It was insane. I met his mom and dad around that time and we all stayed at his sister's in Salem, Oregon. For my birthday we went to the beach in Lincoln CIty Orgeon. We ended up falling asleep in the "spoon" position. Afterward he took me to meet his friend Robin, this buddhist musician who gave me the stone that i often wear. J took me to his home town to meet all his family at his grandmother's 80th birthday. It was my first time in California. We spent alot of time at the best river spots on the American River. WE were there only 11 days and flew from Sacramento to Portland. We headed back to Seattle and only stayed there about a week and finally drove back to Cali. We stayed longer on the second visit and we found a house we decided to move into. It wouldnt be ready until Nov. So in September we flew to MA so J could meet my family and to kill time. It had been almost 11 months since i'd been home. My dad had the frequent flier miles and flew us both out. Steve's 21st birthday was crazy. We went to a comedy club in Providence, RI, i was the only sober one. Shawn, J and I drove to NY and we adopted our son, August, who is 5 months now. He is a Border Collie pup. We flew him back to Seattle with us in early October. THen we met J's dad in Seattle the next day and packed up the two trucks with all our belongings that had been in storage. We moved to his house in FOresthill, CA (near LAke Tahoe). It was only a layover type thing, until we would move to Garberville, CA (6 hours NW of FOresthill, in Humboldt County). But plans changed again when the current tenants decided to be total asses. OUr move in date went from Nov 1st to the middle of Nov. THen to Dec. 1st to the middle of Dec. We decided rather than be in limbo over the holidays that we'd come back to the east coast. Thankfully the people are out now and we will move in problem free on Jan 10th. This visit home has been an eye opener. Ive realized how much good the therapy in Seattle did me. Ive begun trying to repair my more fucked up relationships here. My head is in a good place. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
4:03 pm	so nice steve'll be here in a couple weeks. looking forward to that. last night i met Jambo's band and oh my. they jammed for 45 mins or so and id have gladly sat and listened for another 2 hours. They have a range but in an effort to describe it, it was definately folk-y, bluegrass-y, damn good on the ears. I had to bounce cuz i thought i might've lost my phone in the park when we all played frisbee... then it was at my apartment. genius. this morning was productive. laundry is washed, dried and put away. bills paid. a little cleaning up. Kurtis and i went for a ride on the Monster... it is such a beautiful day. perfect for the motorcycle. we'd pass through warm winds and lean in on the turns. i love it. one thing i dont love is traffic. so no Washington Conservation for me. not until October at least- when theyre hiring again. oh well. Everyone is moving this month. Mark leaves in 2 weeks and David leaves on Tuesday morning. well im being rude now. and complaining that david is going to leave, while sitting on the computer at his house.... (Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
5:47 pm	Ive only got a minute. Went to Spokane,WA this weekend with some Hemp for Victory friends (all expenses paid, Thanks A.C.T.I.O.N. Northwest). Spokane is a little city about 5 hours east of Seattle. Washington is amazing. Here its so green and forest-y; but head a few hours east and its a fucking desert. so cool. Things are going well... Just living life day to day. All my time is devoted to what i want to do (except work)... which is mostly spending time with friends. The apartment is great... i have a ton of pictures of a few adventures, and a ton of pictures of the everyday stuff that i want to post somewhere... maybe myspace or photobucket? i'll keep ya updated. I've decided not to go back to MA this summer for a visit. Whats the point? My life is here now and my friends are more than welcome to come visit me... I dont feel like dealing with my family and their bullshit-- not to mention its hard to get time off from work. Im taking two weeks off at the end of August to go to a six day festival in Nevada called Burning Man. So it prob wont be cool to take too much time off. Steve is coming for Memorial Day Weekend. i took the Friday before it off from work so i can have a 4 day weekend. Its the Seattle Folk Life festival which i guess is pretty big. I've heard people rave about it so i expect it should be a good time. Im glad to have steve out for this particular event. I think ill drag him down to Auburn the following weekend-- so we can go to Black Diamond and Mark's "spot"... I think im going to join Americorps real quick... haha. real quick. seriously though, i am beginning to loathe my job and americorps offers 6 month or one year interships where you do enviornmental stuff... My new friend Seth works with Americorps and plants trees. How rad. I applied just now, so well see what happens. I figure, im stuck here for another 11 months anyways, maybe i can be doing something cool in the meantime. That would also cure my one complaint about city life... and that is.. well, exactly that. City life is tough when you've just moved from someplace as remote as williamstown, MA. I guess i cant say "just moved" seeing as how its been a few months now. But i still miss it. I crave to leave the city sometimes... nature is so much more appreciated now. oh jesus, someone baithed in perfume this morning. some good books, to anyone interested... The Famished Road, by Ben Okri and The Art of Motorcycle Maintence (i forget the author) The Emperor Wears no clothes, by Jack Herer Ive been reading alot about the prohibition of cannibis in the thirties, the corporate interests involved and all the propaganda bull shit thats followed- not to mention, what interests me further- the extreme usefulness and versatility of the cannabis plant... im gonna write something about it one of these days.... ill post it here too :) im getting a headache from the perfume and i gosta go change and head to H.F.V. (which im already gonna be late for). (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
11:22 pm	finally got the apartment. im at AK, Raph and Davids so i have to make this breif. four weeks ago i found the perfect apartment, signed a YEAR LONG LEASE (seattle owns me for a year)... and moved in three weeks ago. it is so fucking great great great great i have become a bit of a hermit recently because i love my apartment. i bought all my furniture and dishes and all that shit from Value Village, the salvation army and the goodwill. cheap is good. work is good. life is great... i love the way things are going in my life right now. if anyone wants to come visit you are more than welcome! (Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
3:56 pm	in the library.... i need to get a fucking apartment! (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
4:39 am	fuck its been a long time. i feel like i've been on a natural high for the last few weeks... i've been so ridiculously busy with work and social stuff. Its been really great, and i have continued to make new friends along the way. last weekend i went to Oregon to visit Brendan Hall (a friend from massachusetts). he has been staying there for a couple months visiting his friends Ashley and Will. I had an AWESOME time down there. I took a train down on friday after work and arrived in Albany, OR about 5 hours later. I only stayed for the weekend but i would have liked to have stayed longer. I had a damn good time... will, ashley and charlie (will's brother) are good people. I think im going to go back down and visit them in the spring or summer. i finally got my music! thank god. i have to admit though, im kinda disappointed. My Ipod had ALOT more music on it that i dont have in my cd collection. so shitty. this past weekend i stayed in Seatac... a city a half hour from where i live in Seattle. I stayed with Rene, a friend from work. I dont know how i would label our relationship, if i were to try... He doesnt exactly speak english (whatsoever) and hes a little older than me... more than ten years actually. Hes from El Salvador. Hes pretty cool and we have fun. The problem is i dont want to be with anyone right now and he really likes me (which makes me feel like shit, of course). So many people from my work are from either Mexico or El Salvador... many people dont speak any english. I've had alot of practice and my spanish is getting pretty good-- im really excited about it. last night Rene and i went to Rosio's house and the three of us made dinner. it was alot of fun. Rosio is five months pregnant with TWINS! Im so excited! Rosio's brother Rone lives there too... hes pretty cool. hes trying to learn english so we spent alot of time talking about the frustrations and difficulties of learning another language. it was cool, we had all the same complaints... i think i sorta like him a little. maybe it was all the tequila i drank. drunkenness is not good for developing language skills. All my spanish speaking friends are alot older than me i just realized. after rosio's rene and i took a bus to his apartment... we were laughing and happy and then we got in this huge fight. He kept putting his hands down the back of my pants and i didnt like it at all.. i told him to stop and he would and then he'd do it again. sometimes latin men piss me off with their aggressive sexual tendencies. I got pissed and told him off about it. He kept saying Es dificil para ti, te quiero. El pone suyo manos en de atras de mi pantallones y yo digo: no mas Rene, yo no gusto. pero suyo no quieres parar. yo digo por favor no mas, tu necesitas respete me. yo explico este yo estube enojada. es problema para mi. it was really dramatic... in the end i told him i just wanted to be friends. nada mas. antes el y yo besa a veces. pero no mas para me en el futuro. anyways. work is still great. i love the people there and the job is so easy... today i went riding (FINALLY!) i took a ferry to vachon and then this woman picked me up at the dock. we drove across a bridge to another island called Maury island (i didnt even know it existed) it was fucking awesome. the horse im riding is named misty. shes a ten year old quarter horse mare (obviously)... her manners need work and its been more than three years since shes been ridden regularly, more than a year since shes been ridden at all. she reared on me more than a few times, but nothing major... it was alot of fun actually. im more interested in horses that are challenging than plug horses. i can definately afford to rent an apartment now, i just have to find the right one. ive saved an ass-load of money its almost the end of the snowboarding season... you know what that means? Kurtis, David and i are shaving our heads, maybe louie too if i can talk him into it. okay, this is boring. more later. a Current Music: dispatch (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
4:16 pm	in the library, gonna get booted in like 10 minutes i found a few more apartments to look at. appointment w tyson was cancelled today. this last week has been absolute craziness... louie left me his apartment for the weekend because he had a business trip tp capitol hill. I had friends over a few nights and had a party on saturday. i didnt go riding on vachon yet because people cant just FOLLOW THROUGH. next weekend-- that is, if i'm not visiting Brendan in Oregon. might go to the cresent tonight with louie and some people (lets... get... shitty) sang drunken karaoke for the first time the other night with Misty and Ryan. so fun im busy as hell and i like it and hate it at the same time. my phone never stops ringing and i feel bad having to answer it and worse not answering it. blah. i feel more myself lately. ive been pursuing all sorts of shit that i've wanted to do for some time. things seem to be on an upswing (except for this ridiculous cold which i cannot seem to kick). my mom wants to come out here and i'm apprehensive. maybe i'll go home for a weekend to appease her... and then i wont have to worry about her putting two and two together. the other night at the bar i was outside smoking a butt... Joel (a guy from work) walks by. he bought me a drink and we hung out for awhile. then i started making out with crystal and later he grabbed me by the shoulders and practically screamed "are you a lesbian?!" i dont remember how i answered... but today at work he called me a lesbian at least twice. it pisses me off. so much. evan and i are going to a bar later this week. he says he usually goes to Ruby's, which is less dancing and more sitting... (not really my scene) now i have 2 mins left. i hafta go laters Current Music: click click clicking (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
4:06 pm	i miss sandy, steven, jackie, shawnee, conor im thinking of you, missing you and loving you from afar. I got the job, im savin the money, so the apartment is soon to follow... and youre all invited to come and stay whenever the hell you want, for however long you want. okay, i seriously have to go now! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:36 pm	it would have been wonderful. i've been so busy lately so busy. i have to chill out for awhile or else i will combust. emily got me a fake ID we went to the wild rose, a lesbian bar on capitol hill... then we went to Chop Suey because it was dyke night. I got so drunk. I danced all night. I was macking it big time. i paid for one fucking drink all night. Girls rock man. (my heart is crystal's) friday was a party at david's. I saw Adrien there, she was stoned and drunk. I wish she were older. I wont go there anymore.... not after sam. AK is awesome... good fun was had by all. Evan is still akward and Kurtis was with Val (like he's ever anywhere else) saturday i went to see Esra at the chocolate place. Will and i drove to West seattle for Misty's 22nd b-day. Margee is def the one who decorated their house. it reminds me of my mom. haha. It was a good time. i smoked alot (did i mention ive been doing that again?). misty and margee are AWESOME. i had a real good time with Jonathan too. Quetzal is acting a fool, im sorry to say. i dont want to go into it any more than that. Sunday i was supposed to go horseback riding on Vachon Island, but plans fell through and are re-scheduled to this coming weekend (thanks Chelo>Libby>Kerri>Mom). I was sorta bummin about not getting to ride-- so misty, margee, will, jonathan, quetzal and i went to Lincoln park to hike around. We smoked on the beach. it was nice. work is great, as usual. I wasnt supposed to work today, i found out after the day was already done. Now im hanging with Kandra at her art school, in the computer lab, trying to find me health care because i have none and im sick as a dog. She sorta reminds me of shira. only shira hated me and kandra likes me. tonight i might go to the crescent and have a few drinks (maybe i'll sing karaoke too?) Louie and i are supposed to rent Fern Gulley and smoke a j. I saw maggie and her girlfriend Susie at the bar on thursday. Susie's sister was there and we danced danced danced danced. I sorta kissed her a little and she asked how old i was and laughed when i answered. Maggie says she wants to "set us up" but i have my heart set on one woman... who probably just wants to be friends.... even though i pulled the "transgender card" that one night --- and we made out. who knows? ahhhh im gonna quit smoking again... i keep saying it, but i am. it hasnt even been a week yet since i smoked sheesha with pot with Adrien, AK and Rav.... that was the first time i blazed this year. I discovered the power juice and AK saved the picture to his background on his cell phone. Long (hilarious) story.. all i know is Adrien agreed. Current Mood: busy busy bumble beeeeeeee (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
12:58 pm	my new home is the seattle public library. started WORK today (notice how the place i work is not specified?!) it was fine, i met mike, hes cool. yesterday Louie and i went to dinner at thai thoms... so good. We went to Trabant after and stayed there drinking tea and coffee until midnight. Then i made a big deal of going home on the bus... because its been so sketchy in Pioneer Square lately (LATELY??). Think im hanging out with Ryan tonight. maybe Jonathan too. probably gonna hit up the Hari Krishna place, as is Ryan's tradition. maybe kurtis will wanna meet up there. i have to go to my appointment soon. blah blah blah blah... two days, no sleep and im groggy and zombie-like. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
5:21 am	Blah Blah Blah Last night was insanity. I went out with Louie, the english guy i met in downtown the other day. We grabbed coffee and then went to a party in Greenlake. It was so fun. I drank 2 screwdrivers (one of which was really strong). His friends are really nice and fun kids. We played a drinking game and Louie and i made a rule that you had to make out with anyone who you make drink. After that i think everyone made out with everyone else at least once. It was so juvenile and ridiculously fun. I was sloshed... from two drinks. I have such a low tolerance. In the cab going back to Louie's apartment i was seeing doubles. I asked to stay there because i definately didnt think walking in Pioneer Square all drunk at 3 am was a good idea. Louie kept kissing me and i think i just went along with it because i was so sloshed. It was really rather amusing. Hes a nice guy and i sorta feel bad now for leading him on. He kept saying how he really likes me and i know i only want to be his friend. I was actually more interested in his friend Crystal that was at the party. She was so cute with blue hair and no eye brows. She picked up a card that made all the guys drink (therefore she had to make out with them all as well) and i said i was pulling the "transgender card" and made out with her too. Haa. she didnt seem to mind. Louie called me today and asked me to dinner later this week. I accepted and im gonna tell him that i only want to be friends... nothing serious. I was supposed to go to dinner on Vachon Island tonight but i called Kerri and cancelled because the passenger ferries only run on the weekend. I'd have to take a bus to Fauntleroy to get on a different ferry. We rescheduled to Thursday. I am actually looking forward to meeting her. My second interview with Il Fornaio didnt go nearly as well as the first. No matter though, im pretty sure i got the job. Carrie (the first interviewer) really liked me and we talked forever... Wandra came home again today and that concludes the house-sitting from hell. I will never accept that job again. no no no. not unless i desperatley need the money. I found an apartment on Capitol hill.. im going to go look at it tomorrow or Tuesday. Theres a guy there who needs a roommate to pay the rent. It would be just the two of us. I would love to get a studio, but i dont think ill be able to afford it so easily as having a roommate. All the cheapest studios have shared bathrooms or something like that. no thanks. David's mom called from Alaska and told him to come home because his grandmother is dying. He left tonight, after the Seahawks lost. I felt really bad about that. We were gonna get lunch today but my stomach was killin me. He said he'd call me later this week. Tomorrow i think im going to clean up the Italjet (i was going to today, BUT that never happened) if i have time. I wanna get that thing running soon. hmmmm tomorrow is hemp for victory and im debating whether or not to go. I wanna see Will again and maybe hang out some more. I wonder, if i dont get a job with Il Fornaio, maybe i could work for Dialog Direct. Crystal does the hiring (and ive got so much experience). okay, i have nothing good to write anymore. Current Mood: tummy pain, heavy head (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
7:03 am	mmmm it feels like forever since ive written. Maybe alot has happened. Maybe not. House sitting sucks ass. These dogs are bad bad bad dogs. They shit and pee and tear things up and im tired of cleaning up after them. So end of that. Ive hung out with David and Kurtis a couple times this past week. I was supposed to go out with someone last night, and i didnt. Tonight i was supposed to go out with Ryan, and i didnt. I have so much on my mind. Today i had an interview at Il Fornaio. I think it went really well. The next interview is tomorrow. If i get the job i have to go shopping for black pants (i dont own any pants suitable for the job). Ill be working the panateria. It will be my first full time job (provided i get hired). Mon thru Fri 6:30 am to 2:30 pm. Woo Hoo. Yeah, i still got the hotts for Kurtis. Only ive met his girlfriend. Shes pretty in a delicate way. Nice enough. We got on fine. The other night we had a one on one conversation. It was nice, semi-personal. I sincerely wish he didnt have a girlfriend so i could flirt with him. I also talked for awhile with AK... hes a cool kid too. He reminds me alot alot alot of Jon Schollberg (sp??). It seems everyone who knows Evan talks shit about him... EVERY ONE! Except me. I like him, he def has his faults, like anyone else... Whatever. last night was baaaad. Lately ive been in a really good mood. Really high in spirits and all that. Then last night i was so tired all day... i went to dinner with D & G. After i went home i took a bath at wandra's and started feeling icky. Then worse and worse. I laid in bed, optionless. Thats the best i can describe it. I had this intense, self-loathing depression. I decided i'd never be happy, not here in seattle, not in MA, not in Moz. I decided it was pointless to try, frankly im tired. It was so out of the blue. So uncharacteristic in the way it came about. So intense and severe and breif. I slept on it and felt fine this morning. That was after the splitting migraine. my second migraine. i dont want any more, thank you. I got all dressed up for the interview today. I felt like an idiot and i was sorta embarrassed and uncomfortable. People kept stopping me and it was annoying. I was shocked what make-up and a skirt will do... i had the big stupid grin on my face because i cant take compliments and i pulled the umbrella down to hide it. This guy stuck his hand under the umbrella and waved in my face. I was sorta forced to see what he wanted, after going through all that trouble to get my attention. He asked me out. He was nice about it and not cocky or annoying at all so i gave him my phone number. Hes from Lee, England and his accent was ADORABLE!! I kept teasing him... but i think he liked it so it was okay. Im not interested in him in a romantic way, he seemed fairly intelligent and i think he'd make a nice friend :) I feel a little boy/girl crazy lately. But im not thinking of Sam hardly ever and i guess thats whats best right now. The only person who really understands how i get is sandy because we went to high school together so she had to hear about it. Tomorrow is cleaning day. Of course the dogs took a roll of paper towels from the counter and shredded it. Of course Elliot got diarrhea on the beige carpet upstairs... then stella walked in it, leaving puppy-print shit all over the carpet and the floor. I have to attack Wandra's house... then i'm gonna clean the ItalJet because its dusty as hell from not being ridden in 3 years. It needs a tune up and i think were gonna do that this week. yessirree... I cant wait to hang out with Anthony again! He went away for the weekend with his girlfriend (their 3 year anniversary). When he comes back.... I started The Holy, by Daniel Quinn. I hate to admit this, but while i do not prescribe to any one religion, i am very interested in the history of various religions. I might want to be a religious scholar someday. haha, SOME day My life's goal has been decided... to find happiness in everyday life. Whatever road i must take to acheive this goal, i will take it without hesitation. Nothing more good to write. I have to go walk the beasts, then go to sleep (big day tomorrow-- not really). Current Mood: spinning inside out Current Music: i wish... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
12:23 pm	Hitchhiking. Barefooters. Nazis Crazy Craziest Craziness Stayed at Evan, David, Kurtis, Rav and AK's apartment on Saturday night. Ryan from Kent never called me back to hang out (even though i was gonna cancel because there wasnt really time), still LAME though. Went to Evan's around 5 or 6. Dave was at Snowqualmie for the weekend. He and i were meeting up Sunday morning to ride together. Evan and i had a good time. He took me all over seattle on the back of his motorcycle, so sweet. We stopped at a cafe and had waffle fries that made me feel sick the rest of the night. I smoked sheesha (sp?) with AK and a bunch of his friends. All these guys came over and packed up two bowls and a bong and passed it around. I didnt smoke. Everyone else was so stoned. I desperately wanted to smoke, ill admit. I started and finished Burning Bright, by Steinbeck. There is something so human about the way he writes, he captures the essence of his characters unlike any author i have yet to read. Sunday I went to Snowqualmie, met up with David in the morning. He introduced me to his friend Jackie. SHe is a racist Nazi, no joke. I thought she was kidding at first, she went on and on about how black people dont belong on the snow, they should be here, arent they from southern places anyways? I was like... whaaa??? David had to give lessons so i met up with Evan and we rode together for awhile. He said he tries to cut Jackie some slack because her parents are white supremisists (sp?). I left with Evan and we gt back to Seattle around 4 or 5. I was gonna wait for Kurtis to come home, then i got impatient and decided to leave. D was on her way, and then Kurtis walks in. Fucking mother fuck. Its cool. I left him a note on his bed with the cd he lent me. I gave him my number and he texted me that night. Hes a nice kid. Yeah. I def have the hotts for him, thats for sure. I think about Sam less and less... thoughts generally dont invoke tears. Dont get me wrong, im still sad and all, but the edge has worn away. Yesterday i went to Tyson. I missed my bus so i hitchhiked from Capitol hill to Madison Park. So much for my promise never to hitchhike again. Then i met up with ANTHONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My cousin who i havent seen in TEN YEARS!!! Last time i saw him, he was a she. I was so so so so glad to hang out with him, so glad to see him. He is so cool. he and i met at Lambert and went to lunch at this really good Thai place. Then we met up with his friend (who is really hott, but i think shes alot older... late twenties). We got coffee and tea and then i went to the LBGT center for my Hemp for Victory meeting. The meeting was really cool. Im definately going to go every week. We are planning a benefit. There are some cool kids there. I met Will, a barefooter (he doesnt wear shoes, like, EVER.. i dont think he even owns them). Shit, i gotta go, i have to catch a bus. Current Mood: alive Current Music: no music, this is a library goddammit (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
9:23 pm	No Subject Today is one of those laid back days after a late night. So here's the quote that i wanted to write so long ago... Another thing is no matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close. -Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters I finished Lullaby and at first i didnt like it, but the end was damn good. Hmmm. Yesterday was interesting. It felt so good to walk the dogs for the last time (until Feb 1st) and then go out. I saw Tyson and that went really well actually. I felt 200% better after our session. It was strange, verrrrry strange actually. I was in a good mood after and stopped at the bank to get money for snowboarding on sunday (the money im supposed to be saving for the apartment..). The cute banker said he liked my hair. The cute banker who was in a dream. I love his nose. Carlos bought me dinner when i stopped in to talk to him about my job. I had a salad and cranberry juice and talked to the bartender. When i tried to pay with my debit card i was laughed at. Carlos wouldnt let me pay. I practically skipped home. I felt light for the first time in weeks weeks weeks. Such a good mood... how wonderfully freeing it is to be in a good mood after nearly a month of bad depression. Okay, so i DID skip home. I decided to lay low and not go out and then changed my mind 182740 times. So i called Ryan and then Quetzal and met them at Lambert house. We went to My Sweet Lord and that was cool. It was so hot in there i felt sleepy. Quetzal, Ryan and i walked to some cafe place where this girl Sara was having a birthday party that started at midnight. Ryan (the OTHER ryan, the one i met a snowqualmie) finally called me back and that was dorky. haha. I almost got my nose peirced and then decided to wait until Sunday night, AFTER i go snowboarding. i hope that wont be a problem with my new job??? The party was fun. I had one drink and felt so buzzed. I had to wait more than an hour to have another. I met some cool kids at the party, and some cool kids on the street that i bummed a cigarette off of. I was sad because Quetzal left without saying goodbye and i totally went looking for him before i realised he was gone. :( Sara's boyfriend Ray was really cool. I wrote out a list of books for him to read. Ryan's friend Lisa, who i was never really introduced to.. shes so hott it hurts. Haa. she was there with her boyfriend, apparently she used to be a lesbian (???). Uhhh... she was so cute. There were SOOOO many cute girls there. Sara got a cake that had a little pussy on it. It was sorta gross actually. Ryan and i caught the last 49 bus at 2:55 am. I like that whenever we hang out we always take the bus together when we leave. I dont know. I got off the bus at fourth and Jackson and had to walk home in the downpouring rain. When i got in i shed my clothes, put on my pajamas and got in bed. Then i was all.. oh shit, forgot to charge my phone. I looked for it and realised i forgot it at the party. I ran outside in my pajamas and slippers, caught a cab and went back to the U district. It was there, thank god. It was funny arriving in my pajamas, people are still dancin and drinking and im wearing my pajamas... haha. The cab ride cost me THIRTY DOLLARS! So LAME! now i have to go back to the bank and get more money for snowboarding. So shitty. I WASTED thirty fuckking dollars and im trying to SAVE money. So i finally got to sleep around five, when all was said and done. David called me at 8 this morning. I didnt pick up but i sorta reemed him out later abotu it, because he woke me up so damn early and iwas cranky. Im still crossing my fingers that he doesnt have a thing for me, because i really like him and want to be friends and if he likes me it will make things akward. Oh, and he called me 6 times yesterday and already twice today and its not even 2 yet. I called Ryan B (the one from Snowqualmie) this morning when i woke up. We talked for 10 minutes or so. He went riding last night. I was jealous. I told him the whole story about last night. He wants to come to Seattle tonight to hang out. I dont know if thats a good idea because im gonna stay and Evan, David and Curtis' apartment tonight. Ahh.... i do wanna chill with him though. I guess well see. Sam called me today. Lame. I dont want to talk to him anymore because everytime i do i just end up feeling bad. Its like Pavlov with the salivating dogs... only not like that at all. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
6:44 pm	I feel like crying everytime i get an email from Mayo. She is in Macuse now, shes been there five days already. No electricity, no water... she loves it. She sounds so friggin happy. I cant help but wonder what my life would be like if i were there with her right now. if i had never come to Seattle and i hadnt decided to move here. ahhh... the if's are overwhelming if i let it get to me. I realize i have a bad habit. When i am with someone for a long time, i tend to get the sense that i will always be with them. I only lived with Mayo for 5 1/2 months and i cant bear the thought of never seeing her again. Sam is another perfect example of that. He has a new girlfriend and i feel sick to my stomach whenever i think of him with another person. I grew so accostomed to the idea that he was mine. That kind of possessiveness is unhealthy. Last night I went to Ryan's to watch a movie and make hemp jewelry. We listened to Ani DiFranco (GOD I WISH I HAD MY MUSIC WITH ME HERE>> BREAK-UPS ARE UNBEARABLE WITHOUT MUSIC)... I made a new bracelet with little green glass beads. Its cute :) We were gonna watch Young Frankenstein at his house but we had waited so long to start the movie that i wanted to get back to take out the dogs. Who knows the kind of havoc they could reap in only a few short hours of my being away? Ryan and i walked all the way back from his apartment. I love that walk. Its long, but i like it. Then we walked Stella and Elliot and ate hummus and watched the movie. I was really tired and i think Ryan felt the same. I felt bad making him leave at one a.m. I regretted it when i woke up this morning. I woke up all early and started cleaning and Wandra's still not home yet, so its not like she would ever have noticed that he stayed. Today i see Tyson and i know this will be an especially heavy session. Ahhh, not looking forward to it. And yet, i am looking forward to it. So i think i may have jinxed myself when it comes to David. I was telling my aunt, like 2 or 3 nights ago, how i like him alot because i dont feel threatened by him (meaning, i dont feel like he has any feelings for me, i feel like he understands that i am only interested in friendship). Its tough sometimes being friends with straight guys because sometimes they get the wrong idea about your intentions. I was totally secure in the fact that we had a mutually understood friendship.. until yesterday when i recieved an email from him. It was about how he has trouble openning up to people and he really enjoyed hanging out and the conversations we had and yada yada yada. I mean, it was a nice email-- and i may be reading too much into it-- but there was a definate feeling to it that was not so much friendly as romantic. Eww. Then i was thinking about it, and he has called me everyday since we snowboarded together two weeks ago. Sometimes more than once a day. I didnt think anything of it, im usually pretty bored house sitting and i appreciate phone calls from everyone/anyone. But when i put more thought into it, it made more sense to me... I really sincerely hope that i am mistaken. Ireally sincerely hope that i am reading too much into this and that i am, in fact, very far from the truth. It would complicate things and make it really akward and bad... NOT TO MENTION, i think i sorta had the hots for his roommate (OMG that sounds like my brother, he always say "so-in-so has the hots for so-in-so). Im going to see if i can get a ride to madison park so i dont have to take the bus both ways.... I dont mind taking the bus home but i hate the bus ride on the way there. You know the movie Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind? I want to have Sam erased from my memory... just for the time being anyway :) Theres this huge battle in my head, one side thats all: hes not worth the time/energy it takes to think about and get upset over... the the other side is the side that thinks about him and gets upset over it. Oh well. this guy philip from Alternet rides... haha. i think he is really cheap. I gave him my cell phone number and he asked me to call him so i could save him a dime. A DIME. Im all, okay.... haha. I better go get ready... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
12:05 am	Yepp House sitting is easy but it sucks. I was dying of boredom for DAYS then i went out with Dave last night. We hung out at his apartment and played video games with his roommate. We ate Thai food at this Pho place. It wasnt that great but dave loves the stuff so i didnt bash it too much. I helped Dave clean his "room" a little bit and i found the book INVISIBLE MONTSTERS by Palahniuk!!!! OM fucking G. haha. that was lame. Seriously though, i was so pumped about it. I finished it this morning and it is hereby officially my FAVORITE Palahnuik book (Diary and Survivor are close seconds). Im still reading Lullaby but im not really into it. It doesnt have the same thread as many of Chuck's other work. i hate when people talk shit about other people. I really hate it. I know im guilty of it too, but i never know what to say when someone is just constantly ragging on someone else (especially if i like that other person). I mean, its one thing if you are having a problem with someone and you wanna talk about it. Thats totally understandable. What is NOT understandable is dissing someone every chance you get. okay, enough of that. Dave's roommate Curtis is AWESOME!!! I mean, i only hung out with him for like an hour, tops... and we were playing video games the whole time. But he kept saying things right as i was thinking them. And then i would laugh randomly. It was so great. Hes a funny bastard. Yeah. Last night i had another dream. It was about Sam and i woke up miserable. Third night in a row. I dont like having dreams of him because then i wake up thinking of him, and i dont want to think of him... Some guy named Philip emailed me (from Alternet rides). He offered me a ride to Steven's Pass this Sunday. Im a little sketched out about it but whatever... I really wanna go. who cares if i get raped and murdered en route. at least i wouldnt have to dream about Sam anymore. just kidding. I talked to Jackie the other day. I love love love love love love love her. love her! haha. She sounds happier than ever, really, and i love to hear her happy. Whoever this Lyndsey girl is, im glad that shes making Jack-attack happy like she is. Im supposed to go out with Ryan tonight. and Quetzal. I love those two boys so much! I have to walk the dogs and clean the house and do some laundry and im not looking forward to it. That guy Ryan from Kent never called me back. We talked last Friday, sorta breifly, but i got good vibes from him and i wanted to talk again... i called him on Sunday and he has yet to call back. Tyson called me today, i see her tomorrow. Its been awhile, we have ALOT to catch up on. okay, i have nothing more to write about... i need a bath (haha, that sounds funny) and to call people and do chores and shit. Current Mood: up and down Current Music: 7 Seconds (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
1:47 pm	in the library. I like this library. I feel good today. I woke up in a decent mood. There is this cute construction worker that is working in my building. He woke me up from a mid morning nap at 10:30 this morning knocking on my door. I didnt answer, i thought the dogs were barking at nothing. oops, my cell just rang. people dont seem to appreciate that in libraries. my body is still sore from snowboarding but im practically drooling to go again. Mom called from Italy today. She said its cold as hell there. Current Mood: you tell me (Comment on this)
7:51 am	He loves me, he loves me not Today i started my second house sitting job. I got paid for the first week in advance (a whopping $420... ironic? maybe if i were buying bud with it). Yesterday was ammmaaazzinng! D and i drove two hours to Steven's Pass and i snowboarded all day. We took one run together... but it didnt really work out. i like to feel like im flying, she likes the bunny slopes. So i hit my first RAIL and i landed it FIRST TRY.... going slow... a small rail. BUT IT WAS GREAT... I really liked the park set-up they have there. There are really big jumps, medium ones and smaller ones. I gained confidence on the smaller ones.. then i hit a medium one and knocked the wind from my chest when i slammed into the ground. ha. i was happy and a little fog lifted. I was sure i'd sleep last night, after all day getting my ass handed back to me in the terrain park... but i was wrong. I felt like shit after awhile and i kept thinking of Sam. No sleep and no will to read the latest Hiaasen book... I broke out my journals from this past year and i read the first night we met all the way to March. I knew there was a reason i scribbled that all down. I cried while reading it but not for the same reason ive been crying all week. I cried because i feel like im out of control. My journal entries provided me with alot of insight into the beginnings of my relationship with Sam... i'm so glad for it too. I really needed the perspective i gained last night (though it didnt make me feel alot better, it did put me on the right track for acceptance). I have managed to romanticize the whole thing somehow. Reading my first impressions of him, the first time we hung out, the first time we kissed, all the smoking and the many many many things that bothered me about him... i'd forgotten the truth of alot of it. Funny how one can fool one's self. After breaking down i updated my journal (the physical one). I wrote a very personal entry that i feel obliged to read to Tyson when next i see her. I felt really good about what i learned. I felt really good about a certain revelation that i know will help me get over this bull shit focus on Sam. Then i made a HUGE mistake today. I called him (gasp). He didnt sound happy and i told him i'd let him go but he wanted to talk anyway i guess. I thought that i'd be okay with talking and i thought that it would be cool, what with this new perspective and all... and it was at first. The start of the conversation showed promise of closure for me. Then he told me about Kristine (a name that was new to my ears). Apparently a girl hes known for awhile, a girl he likes... theyve been hanging out. Oh. I think i get it. This shattered my composure, but i was sure to end the talk before breaking down again. (i feel like all i do is cry lately, WTF). I lost my appetite and felt nauseous everytime i thought of him with someone else. I literally feel sick to my stomach when i think about it. Thats unusual. I dont know what to think. I dont want to think. I dont want to feel. Wandra (the house owner), shes a nice lady and all... but she doesnt have any idea what shes doing with these two enormous dogs (one who is only a puppy, but has the potential to drag you if she cares to). Im no dog trainer, in fact i know nothing about it. But from working with horses i can say that these dogs have Wandra TRAINED. They have just been inducted into Barbara's Doggy Boot Camp. Dont laugh. I wont tolerate this kind of behavior from a dog. Im all about the positive reinforcement, but only when its well deserved. So well see. I have a feeling this job isnt going to be nearly as easy as the last one. On Thursday i hung out at Ryan's place with him and Quetzal. We talked mostly and it was really good. Quetzal and i walked downtown from Ryan's, where Quetzal took a bus to Isis. I said i'd take a bus but changed my mind and walked the rest of the way home. It was a long walk but i needed to think and it provided me with that oppourtunity. Friday i met with Jonathan and Ryan to go see their friend Misty read her poetry and play songs. It was decent. Then a heavy metal band came on and i had called Evan to get my gloves back. He was right down the street so Ryan, Jonathan and i met up with him and drove to his apartment. Then we took the bus to My Sweet Lord and ate indian food (which happened to be really good that night). After that we went to Jonathan's apartment and laid on his bed awhile talking. Then Ryan and i left to catch a bus, BUT Ryan saw his friend and we ended up going to his house. We stopped and got "Mickey's" along the way. A dollar 40 oz. woo hoo. There were a zillion kids at Ryan's friends hosue (i cant remember his name, or any of them for that matter). I was in a rather depressed, mildly lethargic kind of mood and i wasnt interested in socializing. After an hour (tops) i asked Ryan if we could leave and he agreed. That boy is so damn accomodating. I sincerely hope he called in the next day, i'd hate to think of him falling asleep again aboard the Clipper. I talked to Brendan and we are making plans to get together while hes in Oregon. I cant wait to see him. Hes pretty awesome that kid. Ryan called me (the one i met on the mountain) we talked for a bit and when we got off the phone i had a BIG DUMB SMIRK on my face. G was lookin at me so i hid my face in the cabinet, pretending to get something. He left a cute message. It was cute. ha. Jonathan said his roommate Becca just got a job at Snowqualmie and i can get a ride up there with her. SO AWESOME... she is so adorable, she renders me speechless. Hmmm.... David called me, hes stuck at snowqualmie, hes been there all weekend. I guess his friend Jackie broke her tailbone or something? Ouch. Hes talking to some guy about me working there for a free lift tickeet. Suddenly i feel like i have all the rides to the mountain that one could possibly need, only i dont have the money to spend on the lift tickets. I finished my last Hiaasen fiction today, hes a crazy mo fo. I wanna read his non fiction now that i have no other works of his to enjoy. I also got Lullaby from the library and i'll be starting that tonight. Actually i think ill start it right now. Goodnight Current Mood: trapped (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
1:33 am	Got up at nine this morning cuz i managed to fall asleep early last night. I was awake with D's alarm at seven, i just didnt want to get out of bed yet. D said i was screaming in my sleep again. I vaguely recall a dream of searching for Sam. Surprise? I doubt thats what made me scream though. Today was pretty run of the mill. I went shopping at Trader Joe's with Giorgio. Then he dropped me off at the library where i met this really nice librarian. I ordered two books and found four that i'd like to read. I renewed my library card and checked the books out. Then i went to the computers and was on myspace for awhile. I found a whole shitload of people from BURNCOAT!!! All my original smoking buddies. I messaged EVERYONE who i hung out with in middle school. These are people i havent see in AGES! After that i walked home and made macaroni and cheese. It wasnt the best macaroni and cheese that ive ever had, but it did its job. I took Leo outside to the Qwest parking lot and i roller bladed for an hour or so. That was pretty good. Im glad to get some physical exersize. Now im here, waiting for Giorgio to take me to Ryan's. Quetzal is there and the three of us are gonna watch a movie or something. I cant wait to see them both. Its been like a month! Current Mood: calm and collected. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
2:02 pm	My First Last night i had my first ever ZOMBIE DREAM. Steve called me pretty late last night to talk. I told him about Sam and cried and all that. But after the dramatic part of the conversation Steve told me how he and some friends were looking for a place to make their zombie movie. I went to bed not too long after that... I read for an hour or so, then my mom called me (shes an insomniac too). We talked for a minute or two and then i passed out. For some reason the conversation with steve must have stuck with me because i dreamed of ZOMBIES. It was so weird. Instead of dying and THEN becoming a zombie, the people who were bitten would just start slowing down, then they'd get this expression on their face and their eyes (pupils and all) would turn this blue color. I never was turned into one, but i had to fight a few... I was in a carload of people from IICD. Shira, Lais, Michelle, Mayo, and oddly enough Erica Morin (a girl i knew in high school)... they were all there and we were taking a road trip together. THere was another car following us full of people too. We were driving up through the woods and we were sorta lost. We stopped at this random store to get some food (we were all literally starving for some reason) and I went into the store to buy as much food as i could afford. All the people in the store were all fucked up. I couldnt figure out what was wrong with them and i didnt want to believe they were Zombies. There was this little blond girl with us... i dont know who she was... but in the dream i knew her and she was taking the roadtrip with us. Well, it was me and her that went into the store and she went missing while i was trying to figure out what was wrong with the guy behind the counter. I was like "Sir, SIR! Are you okay?" He was all blue and nasty looking. He seemed to be stuck behind the counter because he couldnt figure out how to lift the door to get out. I just stood there watching him struggle. He kept reaching across the counter at me and moaning and shit. I was disgusted. There was this eerie feeling that something wasnt right. I heard the little blond girl scream and ran in that direction, passing some more zombies in the aisles. They were trying to grab at me but i just pushed them over and kept running toward this door, where her scream was coming from. It was the door to the basement, and i ran down the steps into this room full of Zombies. I could still hear her screaming and went into another room where she was fighting off a zombie. I jumped up and kicked him, kung-fu style, grabbed the girl and started for the door. She was slow and heavy and it took forever getting her up the stairs and out of the store while fighting off these nasty flesh eating zombies. Finally we were outside and everyone was out of the car fighting these zombies that came from the woods. I still couldnt figure out what the hell was happening.. then i watched a zombie take a chunk out of Shira's arm. She screamed and Lais hit it over the head with a log. I looked down at the little girl and she was movin all slow and looking all confused. Then i saw the bite on her neck and with that i knew immediately what we were dealing with. I screamed for everyone to get back in the car. Then i ran into the store and filled my arms with bags of chips (afterall, we were starving). I got back in the car, and was horrified to see they put the little blond girl in the back seat of the van. Everyone was focused on her because she was acting so strange. I protested and told everyone to get her the fuck out of the car. They saw the food and stopped thinking about her. I said whatever. Zombies were all over the van, banging on the windows so i backed out and ran half of them over. The other car followed my lead and we started driving fast away from the store. Then Lais starts screaming because Shira is attacking her from one side, and the little girl is attacking her from the other side. I screech to a stop, jump out and fling the back door open. I pulled the little girl off Lais, then pulled Lais out, then Shira. Shira was fighting me and i managed to close the van door, screaming to Mayo to lock it. I ran around and jumped back in the drivers seat and began driving away again. Everyone was saying, YOU LEFT LAIS! YOU LEFT LAIS! But i wasnt going to turn around because i knew she'd be changin soon. The other car followed and we bombed down this little road in the woods. It was so weird because its like no one knew what the zombies were. They didnt understand what was happening. Everyone was shocked and confused and not doing anything. I had to do everything... It was weird, i was like this zombie expert, kung-fu hero all of a sudden. And that was the end. It was so great. I loved it. So today is my last day at this house, Cheryl will be here in a few hours and then i am free to go. I finished cleaning up and packed all my stuff. There is a huge part of me that wants to fly home right now and go see Sam. I want to go and fix everything between us. But i know that when i come back here, it will be the same. There is no getting around it. I cant stay home tonight. I better start calling friends and making plans. I have to admit im feeling a little better about it. Yesterday i was distraught and unhinged. Today i feel a little stronger. Im ready to kick this depression bull shit and force myself to get over him. I dont want to linger on this. I cant afford to have anything make me feel worse than i already have been lately. Current Mood: gettin' better all the time (Comment on this)